The Cheesecake Supertest

We’ve no idea how it got started, but cheesecakes have become something of a phenomenon for bit-tech, so this Christmas we thought we’d do our job properly and test out the things our readers really care about.

Over the next few pages each of us ingests about 50g of pure fat (right before our Christmas party too!) and expand by one belt notch. There’s also a lot of gas that gets passed.

Anyway, we’ll just get straight down to business. We’ve got cheesecakes from Morrisons, Tesco, Sainsbury's and Marks & Spencer. Joe was going to make one too, but he forgot.

Harry: Ok, let’s just start. The first cheesecake is the morello cherry and Madagascan vanilla cheesecake from Morrisons.

Joe: Which costs how much?

Richard: Four quid.

Tim: Three pound ninety nine, actually.

R: Sure, fine. This one has--

The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest
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T: Is that before or after the VAT cut?

All: Frickin’ hell, Tim.

H: Ha! That’s a ‘Time to Frick’ of about thirteen seconds.

J: None of this will be able to go in, will it? Editing will be a nightmare.

H: I think this cheesecake has a very pretentious name. It has high aspirations because it’s—

R: Yeah, it’s not just normal vanilla, it’s Madagascan vanilla.

H: And those aren’t just cherries, they’re morello cherries. Does it matter that they’ve been in Rage Against The Machine?

T: If they were going to be pretentious with the name they should have put some effort into the packaging though. It’s a fail.

H: I’m going to have some.

J: That’s a hefty spoonful there, Harry!

H: Looks good though. It looks good. Good covering of cherries on the top.

The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest The bit-tech Cheesecake Supertest
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T: I can actually see you starting to get fatter. How many times are you going to have to walk to work to get rid of that lot, eh? What’s the fat content?

H: The real question is how many times will I have to walk to your mum's house? Zing!

R: Each sixth gives 5.3g of fat.

J: Agh! Moah! Smeh!

T: Joe’s getting it everywhere.

J: I don’t like the cherries very much. They’re a bit gelatinous. The base is nice and moist though.

Jamie: Tim, you’ve eaten it all already?

H: It’s crumbly, but still moist. So, what do we think of Morrison’s Morello etc? I like the fruit. It’s not bad.

Joe: For four quid? It’s a contender.

H: Right, next up then. This is fun.


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