AquaTuning Phobya Energy Drink

H: Our next energy drink comes from our friends at AquaTuning. It looks a bit like a generic energy drink rebranded with the Phobya name.

B: PHEAR IT.

H: PHEAR IT? DRINK IT!

P: Should you?


H: Well, I don’t think it’d be any good for water-cooling your PC with.

B: What’s it got in it?

H: The label is in German. I don’t know what kohlenhydrate or davon zucker are. It’s got 11.1g of Kohlenhydrate, whatever that is. Davon zucker sounds like brown sugar?

J: Sounds right.

H: It’s got Vitaimin B6 and Biotin and Natrium and lots of other flashy sounding chemicals. It’s 0.03% taurine.

J: We should do a graph of this.

<pours>

H: This smells and looks like cheap Red Bull.

P: I really like Red Bull.

J: it’s a Red Bull knock-off.

B: It’s like a sort of mixture of Benyllin and fizzy cola bottle sweets.

H: The secret recipe revealed!

J: It’s got very small bubbles.

P: Smaller bubbles denote higher quality, in sparkling wine at least.

B: I feel dirty drinking that.

P: It looks, tastes and smells like Red Bull, but you know it’s not Red Bull.

Hell

H: Next up is the can of HELL!

P: Holy S**t

J: 79p.

P: What shall we call our new energy drink? Let’s call it Zing! Or Buzz! Na, let’s just call it Hell.

J: Zing; that’d be a good name for an energy drink.

P: Gimme some Zing.

J: I’d give your mum some Zing.

<Everyone groans in exasperation>


H: Apparently Hell is the official partner of Williams Formula 1 and AT&T. So when you call an AT&T call centre, they’re all on Hell. Likely in Hell. Giving you Hell. Maybe feeling like Hell.

P: Is this the reason Williams were rubbish this season? They were drinking the wrong energy drink?

H: Clearly Nico Hulkenberg wasn’t drinking enough Hell.

P: He must have had a sip of Red Bull in that week he got pole position.

J: Before you pour it, can we guess what colour it’s going to be?

P: Red.

J: Pinkish.

B: Purple.

H: The can says it's alcohol-free apparently. Good to know. 32mg/100ml of caffeine and Taurine in this one. Looking at the ingredients, it’s water, sugar and citric acid, so your typical Red Bull-a-like. B6, B12, panathonic acid, Niacin, loads of useless stuff.

<Pours>

P: It’s neon yellow, with a green tinge

B: With a head that forms when you pour it out; it looks like cheap student beer.

J: That’s sweeter than the Phobya. Way sweeter.

H: Way sweeter and citrus-flavoured.

P: Subtly different.

H: Very citric.

J: Like sugary razor blades sliding across your tongue.

P: It’s quite thick, almost syrupy.

H: Joe, why are you making a horrible cocktail from the dregs of your energy drinks?

J: I want to see what it comes out like.

P: I prefer the Hell to the Phobya. It tastes like a higher quality drink.

H: It’s very sharp.

B: It’s not painfully sharp; it’s tangy.

P: Hell is ok.