Gaming Trends of 2017: Rick Predicts!

Written by Rick Lane

January 20, 2017 // 1:28 p.m.

Tags: #assassins-creed #brexit #crackdown #donald-trump #fifa #halo #microsoft #platinum #resident-evil-vii #the-witcher-3 #tomb-raider


Gaming Trends of 2017: Rick Predicts!

Ubisoft reveals bold new Assassin’s Creed Reboot: Assassin’s Creed: Desmond’s Story.

After a 12-month hiatus on the franchise, Ubisoft will announce a brand new Assassin’s Creed game that carves a radical new path for the series. Desmond’s Story will remove everything that players enjoyed in the series, such as fascinating historical locales and dynamic combat, and instead focus all its effort on retelling the story of Desmond, only this time with 50 percent extra moaning.

The game will be a prequel to the first Assassin’s Creed. The inaction will take place entirely in Desmond’s cell, and will see players mostly staring at the walls searching for the tiniest speck of personality inside their protagonist's mind. 'Look, you’re going to like him,' one Ubisoft source will state. 'There might be carpet swatches with more character than Desmond, but we don’t care how much we have to flog this dead horse. Eventually, it is going to run, even if it’s very slowly into the gutter.'


Gaming Trends of 2017: Rick Predicts!

Post-Brexit Britain bans all “foreign” games.

In a bid to perpetuate its own illusion as the greatest country in the world, rather than the global equivalent of your insane racist uncle, post-Brexit Britain will issue a nationwide ban on all games developed in foreign countries. The government’s argument will be that the EU and other nations will be forced to accept this hard line because Britain produces Grand Theft Auto. Unfortunately, this neglects the fact that Grand Theft Auto is specifically made in Scotland, which will become an independent nation in 2018 on the grounds of, 'We dinnae want tae be associated with you bunch of mad Sassenachs.'

Despite its tanking economy, the British Government will issue a set of stringent 'Britishness' guidelines for game developers. To begin with, all games must be coded in plain English, rather than C++, which was invented by a nasty, scum-sucking Danish person. It will be pointed out that games coded in English are technically just books, but the government will remain undeterred.

In addition to this, all games must begin and end by playing 'God Save the Queen' and must reference Her Majesty during play once every five minutes. Furthermore, games cannot depict Britain in any negative way whatsoever, which means no mention of food-banks, Southern Rail, Channel 5, or any county that isn’t Kent.

Consequently, Britain’s most highly rated game of 2017 will be tea-drinking simulator, which will be banned one month after release when it is revealed that tea comes from China and India. The best-selling game of 2017 will be hoop-and-stick. Not hoop-and-stick simulator, just hoop-and-stick. The worst-selling game of 2017 will be FIFA 2017, because the only team in the entire game will be England, therefore making it impossible to win.


Gaming Trends of 2017: Rick Predicts!

New VR Game “Presidency Simulator” awarded Nobel Peace Prize.

In 2017, the Norwegian Nobel Committee will take the unanimously praised decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize not to an individual, but to a video game. The game in question will be Presidency Simulator, developed by the Silicon Valley-based company For God’s Sake Software.

Presidency Simulator is a VR game which will put players in the shoes of the President of the United States. Taking place in a wholly realistic representation of the Oval Office, Presidency Simulator will allow players to sit at the President’s Desk and sign lots of important looking documents with a really big pen. After you sign each document, a huge crowd of people will enter the room and applaud you for your efforts. The Oval Office will also include a large red button emblazoned with the words 'Bomb ISIS', a cage suspended from the ceiling containing a weeping Hillary Clinton, a shower made of solid gold, and a hotline that connects directly to the bedroom of Vladimir Putin.

Presidency Simulator will receive mixed reviews from games journalists, one calling it a 'shallow and unsubtle satire that only idiots will find entertaining'. Yet it will receive rave reviews from Donald Trump himself, who, when invited to test the game by For God’s Sake Software, will herald it as 'Fantastic. Very Realistic. The most realistic game I’ve played. I think it might be real.' In fact, the developers will be unable to pry the President away from it, and he will spend the remainder of his time in office throwing paper balls at a virtual Hillary Clinton.

Because of this, Presidency Simulator will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for its effort in preventing conflict and fostering friendship between nations. For God’s Sake software will release an expansion, 'Russian Presidency Simulator', in 2018.


Gaming Trends of 2017: Rick Predicts!

CD Projekt releases innovative new mindwiping technology.

Enabling players to enjoy The Witcher 3 for the first time over and over again.
Discuss this in the forums

QUICK COMMENT

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER

WEEK IN REVIEW

TOP STORIES

SUGGESTED FOR YOU