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My word is Law

Today I am someone else; today I am the mind of the worst kind of Internet user. Today I am the voice of no-one and the opinion of everyone. Today, my word is law.

Firstly you already know me, I’ve always been around and I started out bragging about how I had owned the same computer equipment as you, just several months before you did and believe me I’ve had every single one, from a PDP-11 to custom made X-Box. Whatever kit you’ve owned, I’ve owned and if I didn’t own it, I’ll still forget more about it than you’ll ever know. I’ve written software, I’ve worked on websites, I was the first person to use an Animated Background and, as soon as they become unpopular, I was the first person to tell you how lame they were. Why didn’t you listen to me in the first place? PNGs are where it’s at, although there’s no reason to be using graphics anyway. I was on the development team for Lynx and it’s still the best browser out there, if your site doesn’t support Lynx, it’s not worth visiting. Have you seen my site? I did it all in Flash, I learnt it over a weekend from a book. Flash sucks anyway, it’s all about DHTML.

"Today I am someone else; today I am the mind of the worst kind of Internet user. Today I am the voice of no-one and the opinion of everyone. Today, my word is law."

Forums give me a presence, they let me come into your world and tell you how experienced I am at your subject. My car does 50 BHP more than yours, my sex life is more interesting and varied and my grass ALWAYS grows greener. Talking of Grass, I’ve taken the lot… I’ve smoked weed at Woodstock, done E’s at Evolution and taken speed with the stars at the Viper Lounge. I’ve done it all and I’m going to tell you about it until you’re sick of me, because the best thing is that I never go away. Oh, you can argue with me, but I’m always right. That’s because I’m well versed in the art of second accounts and Chinese whispers, if I’m not right, I’ll make myself right until you start to doubt yourself. By the end of the thread, I’ll tell you Black is White and you’ll wonder why you keep losing at Chess.

Bear in mind, I don’t limit myself to knowing more than you. I also hate everything you like, disagree with everything you stand for and destroy any beauty you create. Your taste in music is childish, a product of sycophantic marketers who deserve to listen to something raw, gritty and real, unless you like something eclectic, in which case you’re a freak, an outsider who only likes it because it’s cool to be different. Either way, I don’t care; I’ll argue with you anyway, personal taste is a buzzing gnat which needs to be swatted.

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Chris Caines


I don’t play games, because games are for losers who need to get out more, but did I mention I’m also the best player you’ve ever lost to at CounterStrike and will own you at the first opportunity? I played solo against team SK with just a knife and beat them all; I didn’t join them though because I don’t really play it. I’ve played to 60 on Everquest before the beta finished (They let me play to 60 to test how ‘Uber’ a character could become) and completed Half Life II. I play test for Valve, but they asked me not to tell anyone. Have you seen Doom 3 yet? I have, it sucks; but it’ll be the greatest game ever.

"My car does 50 BHP more than yours, my sex life is more interesting and varied and my grass ALWAYS grows greener."

I’ve got so much money; I can buy all the stuff you don’t have. I made it in the dot.com boom of the late 90s, then did my Doctorate in Computing Science but gave it all up to live on a beach in Cornwall. I don’t have ADSL because the exchange doesn’t reach that far, so BT gave me an E3 to my house. Don’t talk to me about being poor, I’ve seen it all and lived to tell the tale.

I have three machines with top of the range graphics cards in them, running to twin 21” LCD monitors. My desktop runs in a resolution which would make an Eagle squint, yet I don’t visit sites which don’t conform to 640x480. All my games run at 200FPS in 1600x1200 with all the settings up to max, although why you need to run a game over 26FPS anyway is pointless because everyone knows that’s the highest rate your eyes need to see a moving picture. I get 3DMark Scores in number ranges that look like phone numbers, but I think synthetic benchmarks are flawed and it’s the gaming performance that matters. I only put it in my Signature so you know how pathetic your card is. You want to overclock it, volt mod it and bios update it, THEN you might get a score like mine. It’s all a waste of time anyway because anyone in their right mind owns a Mac, did I say I watercool my GPU RAM?

I am everywhere. I’m in every forum, I’m in every chatroom. I’m a simmering pot of misinformation and arrogant, opinionated verbal diarrhoea.

I’m never going to change, why should I? My word is Law.