Archive for the ‘funny’ tag
Posted on 23rd Dec 2010 at 11:41 by Joe Martin with 57 comments
You know you’ve played too many games when you deliberately get up early on a Saturday morning, just so you can explore the new Minecraft update in peace for a few hours.
…when you hum the Monkey Island theme tune to yourself when you’re tense, and it actually makes you feel better.
…when you catch yourself thinking, ‘Oh, quicksave!’ when you cross the road.
…when you have recurring dreams about writing the perfect walkthrough for Baldur’s Gate 2.
Posted on 12th Sep 2010 at 00:59 by Phil Hartup with 10 comments
Here at the Realia Tourist Board we’d like to wish you a safe and pleasant stay in our little country. Please drive carefully and use pain medication responsibly, because it’s highly addictive.
There are two main towns in Realia, each with distinct character and places to visit.
Puerto Sombra, is the only town in the country fully controlled by the government and is sprawling colonial town offering plenty to see and do for those new to Realia. The main church is here, as is the only police station our great nation has, not to mention the offices of the national newspaper.
Puerto Sombra is also home to El Jaguar Negro, a small pub which, like all good bars, offers connections to large scale criminal organisations as standard, as well as hapless victims of assorted crimes looking for help. The Police Station on the other hand offers neither of these. In the event that you become a victim of crime yourself please be advised that wasting police time with such matters is likely to get you laughed at and you really should have picked up more guns at the Duty Free.
Posted on 10th Sep 2010 at 11:32 by Phil Hartup with 12 comments
The mission is a pretty simple one – a bunch of natives being used as slaves at a plantation deep in the jungle need rescuing. The place is guarded, but it’s no Fort Knox. The enemy are toting small arms, grenades; nothing too heavy. The real threat is the surrounding jungle, which is full of bees, snakes and jaguars who like to spend their spare time flying through the clouds; any body of water larger than a puddle probably has some piranhas in it.
I’m not too worried about the enemies though – they’ll fall easily to my Desert Eagle lookalike and its mysteriously small five round clip. If worst comes to worse I’ve got a big, square jeep which, though it handles like a hippo on an ice rink, I’m relying on to take me and the hostages to safety. No, what I’m really worried about is the bugs.
Any diary of the actual assault would end up reading like an Andy McNab novel that’s been used for toilet paper and it’s pointless to recall the details anyway. Suffice it to say that my first attempt to sneak into the base ended when a levitating jungle cat cut me off on my way to the base. The second go was much the same; my gun jammed inexplicably, so after the first bullet I was only able to defend myself with cusswords and fierce glares.
Posted on 8th Sep 2010 at 12:51 by Phil Hartup with 7 comments
One of the great tests for any sandbox game is to see what happens when you throw your toys out of the pram and go on a good old fashioned killing spree. Whether it’s starting a police chase in the GTA series, trying to take on the whole Third Reich at once in The Saboteur or picking fights with the population of Oblivion, these moments let us test the boundaries of the game and experiment freely. They can also be incredibly fun.
Unless you’re playing Boiling Point.
My personal killing spree in Boiling Point: Road To Hell began quite by chance. Returning to town from a spell in the jungle, I’d just saved the game and driven into the main town when, whoops, splat! I’d run over a local, oh dear. Somebody was shooting at my car in retaliation so I got out, identified the shooter as another civilian and killed him. It seemed rude not to under the circumstances and I hoped I could consider the matter settled. Unfortunately, things just escalated.
Posted on 6th Sep 2010 at 09:11 by Phil Hartup with 20 comments
Survival in open world adventure games like Boiling Point can be a tricky and even somewhat distasteful business. I remember being put off by having to acquire my first suit of basic armour off a still-warm corpse in Oblivion, for example. Some might argue that walking a mile in another man’s shoes is a way to empathy and understanding, but I’d wager they didn’t envisage killing the owner of said shoes and stealing all his belongings as a prefix to that meaningful walk.
In Boiling Point you don’t need to steal clothes, but you still end up doing your fair share of scavenging. New players start facing the world of Realia with just a basic pistol and a knife – and to give you an idea of how useless those weapons are I’ll explain that your pistol only carries five bullets. It may look like an awesomely powerful Desert Eagle, but you’ll find you need to reload at least once even if you’re shooting at an unarmed Old Granny.
Posted on 15th Jun 2010 at 13:57 by Joe Martin with 7 comments
I’m a firm believer that it’s better to do something simple very well than it is to fumble something more complicated. So, it’s no surprise that I like indie platformer Orton and the Princess – it’s uncomplicated and polished to perfection. You are the beige square. The eponymous Princess is the pink square. You have to get to the pink square. Then the next level begins.
Gameplay-wise, Orton and the Princess isn’t any different to dozens of other platform games. Avoid the spikes, dodge the traps, reach the end of the level, set a high score. It does a few things though which help to set it apart – little things, like having an incredibly energetic banjo theme tune. Ding-ding-ding,duh-dong-ding!
Posted on 25th Dec 2009 at 09:11 by Podcast with 32 comments
Here it is; the second official bit-tech.net and Custom PC cheesecake podcast, which sees Clive, Alex, Harry, Richard and Joe sitting down to munch their way through six entire cheesecakes. At the end they try to give a verdict on which one is best - with the operative word being 'try'.
There's a transcript up on the front page for those of you who prefer the retro format like our previous cheesecake supertest, but the podcast contains a fair bit of extra content for those of you who want to go with a full-fat option.
The transcript and the podcast do differ a bit admittedly - there was an aborted five minute introduction that we cut from the audio but left in the transcript, along with a few other things, so don't count on them being identical. The audio isn't as clear as normal either - it's hard to stay focused when you're buoyed up on enough sugar to kill an elephant!
Posted on 9th Mar 2009 at 15:40 by Joe Martin with 57 comments
Since bit-tech.net moved to the central Dennis offices in London, we’ve all had a real bitch of a commute. It takes two hours each way, meaning that I don’t get home now until 8PM at the earliest. The upside of this is that I’m getting a lot more reading done on the train on the way to work. The downside is that I’m at home less, so can’t do as much PC gaming.
The reduction in time is making me value my gaming time a lot more too – so I’m reluctant to just replay my old catalogue of games and I don’t want to go over previously-reviewed titles.
Thus, I wanted to put it out there to bit-tech.net readers and take suggestions on the matter; What game should I play next?
Seriously, I’ll take any suggestion as long as it is on PC and not something I’ve already revieed. Old or new, I’ll look through your suggestions, pick one, buy it, play it and do my next blog post on it. The more obscure the suggestion, the better.