Posted on 12th Sep 2010 at 00:59 by Phil Hartup with 10 comments
Here at the Realia Tourist Board we’d like to wish you a safe and pleasant stay in our little country. Please drive carefully and use pain medication responsibly, because it’s highly addictive.
There are two main towns in Realia, each with distinct character and places to visit.
Puerto Sombra, is the only town in the country fully controlled by the government and is sprawling colonial town offering plenty to see and do for those new to Realia. The main church is here, as is the only police station our great nation has, not to mention the offices of the national newspaper.
Puerto Sombra is also home to El Jaguar Negro, a small pub which, like all good bars, offers connections to large scale criminal organisations as standard, as well as hapless victims of assorted crimes looking for help. The Police Station on the other hand offers neither of these. In the event that you become a victim of crime yourself please be advised that wasting police time with such matters is likely to get you laughed at and you really should have picked up more guns at the Duty Free.
Posted on 10th Sep 2010 at 11:32 by Phil Hartup with 12 comments
The mission is a pretty simple one – a bunch of natives being used as slaves at a plantation deep in the jungle need rescuing. The place is guarded, but it’s no Fort Knox. The enemy are toting small arms, grenades; nothing too heavy. The real threat is the surrounding jungle, which is full of bees, snakes and jaguars who like to spend their spare time flying through the clouds; any body of water larger than a puddle probably has some piranhas in it.
I’m not too worried about the enemies though – they’ll fall easily to my Desert Eagle lookalike and its mysteriously small five round clip. If worst comes to worse I’ve got a big, square jeep which, though it handles like a hippo on an ice rink, I’m relying on to take me and the hostages to safety. No, what I’m really worried about is the bugs.
Any diary of the actual assault would end up reading like an Andy McNab novel that’s been used for toilet paper and it’s pointless to recall the details anyway. Suffice it to say that my first attempt to sneak into the base ended when a levitating jungle cat cut me off on my way to the base. The second go was much the same; my gun jammed inexplicably, so after the first bullet I was only able to defend myself with cusswords and fierce glares.