Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

Written by Rick Lane

January 9, 2015 | 11:38

Tags: #batman #cliff-bleszinski #evolve #minecraft #peter-molyneux #star-citizen #the-division #the-witcher-3 #zelda

Companies: #microsoft #nintendo #ubisoft

Microsoft releases Minecraft on your own eyeballs:

Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts! [FRIDAY] Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

Not to be outdone by Apple releasing a free U2 album to all iPhone users, Microsoft will maximise its recent acquisition of Swedish developer Mojang by uploading a free version of Minecraft directly to your ocular nerves. Dubbed "Square Eyes", the project hinges upon tiny Wi-Fi connectors injected into the sleeping skulls of anyone who has used a Microsoft device or program, as stipulated by the relevant clause in Microsoft's EULA. Once the upload is complete, players will awake inside a cuboid version of their own home, as the game receives images through the players' eyes and transmits them into the Minecraft game playing inside their heads.

An anonymous source confirmed that Microsoft has completed a closely guarded beta of the project using a small number of game testers. The results are claimed to be largely positive, although rumours regarding a spate of attacks on pig farms by individuals wielding iron longswords are currently being investigated by police.

Ubisoft adopts new PR policy of apologising for everything in advance:

Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts! [FRIDAY] Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

In February Ubisoft will issue a blanket PR statement apologising for all the mistakes they're going to make in the next twelve months. This thirty-page document will contain atonements for future gaffes such as the "minor oversight" in October when the company will accidentally ship piles of broken glass instead of Assassin's Creed: Victory, the "over-ambitious new direction" when it is discovered Rainbow Six: Siege is in fact a horse-racing simulator, and the "error in judgement" at this year's E3 when, in a PR stunt for Tom Clancy's The Division, the company will trigger the apocalypse.

"Look, just everything, all right?" the press release will conclude. "We're sorry for it all. So don't start complaining when it happens, because you've been given fair warning." Despite causing the fall of civilisation, I predict The Division will go on to be the biggest-selling game of 2015.

Nintendo launches new console sculpted from pure happiness:

Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts! [FRIDAY] Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

Apologies. My crystal ball appears to be encountering some interference. Nintendo already
did this two years ago. It was called the Wii U.

Everyone in gaming will be nice to each other all the time forever:

Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts! [FRIDAY] Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

2015 will see a radical shift in gamer psychology. The prevailing culture of suspicion and hostility will be washed away in an outpouring of happiness and optimism. This will be most powerfully felt in the multiplayer sphere, where a general sense that all the anger flying about is a bit sad and pathetic will cause a movement of affability to snowball. Insults such as "n00b" and "F*** you you f****** c*** I'm gonna tear off your f****** lips" will become obsolete, while provocative actions such as "teabagging" will be replaced by "nicehugging".

Although online multiplayer will witness the most sweeping changes, the effect will be felt everywhere. Popular gaming pundits such as "Angry Joe" and "CynicalBrit" will be replaced by "Friendly Mike" and "Cheerful Charles". The only gamer gate will be a kissing gate, erected at this year's GamesCom for gamers of all kinds to smooch lovingly over. The next Call of Duty, subtitled "War is Over" will feature guns that fire cuddles and grenades that cause your enemy to convulse with honking laughter. Finally, the Game of The Year will be universally awarded to Spooning Simulator 2015 (Oculus Rift compatible).

The only game anticipated to continue generating any kind of conflict is Mario Kart, because nothing short of the heat death of the universe will prevent friends, families and lovers falling out over a Blue Shell in Mario Kart.

Peter Molyneux sails away on a ship made of dreams:

It sinks.

Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts! [FRIDAY] Gaming Trends of 2015: Rick Predicts!

Happy New Year folks!
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