bit-tech.net

Are there any funny computer jokes?

Posted on 26th Mar 2009 at 12:24 by Clive Webster with 37 comments

Clive Webster
Most areas of our modern life seem easy to create jokes from – politics is an obvious choice, but you can probably think of quite a few jokes about pubs, traffic wardens, flying, pretty much everything. But it struck me last night that I haven’t heard a funny IT joke for ages. Or perhaps ever. The best I could up with was this:

Q: What’s Ali G’s favourite MP3 player?
A: An AiiiPod.

How lame is that?

The Spice Girl joke of a while ago was kind of okay, even if it was a little bit sexist. It goes, ‘How do you know if a Spice Girl has been using your PC? Because there’s Tipp-Ex all over the screen.’

This is still hardly up there with the classics though, is it? Quite a lot of the world of IT comedy revolves around sarcastic definitions of words or job descriptions, for example:

Program (pro’-gram)
[noun] Something that turns a user’s inputs into error messages.
[noun] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

But this is only good for a knowing it-shouldn’t-be-like-this smirk, and not big belly-laughs. Then there’s the IT anecdote – usually revolving around a tech support phone call or an IT worker’s frustration with a manger that doesn’t understand what a computer is or does. There are plenty of these anecdotes scattered around the interweb, and quite a few are collated at ComputerJokes.net. However, most seem very contrived in their construction, with this story in particular having an infeasibly bizarre situation.

However, I do have an IT anecdote of my own that I’d like to share. And I stress that this is an absolutely true story. One day a few years ago the press representative from Nvidia drove down to drop something off. I think it was the first Nvidia SLI system, or possibly the first Quad SLI PC. Anyway, he was driving a red Vauxhall and I piped up, ‘Ahh, is that because red ones go faster?’

‘Emm, no, actually, they’re a bit slower’ came the reply.

Immediately I retorted with, ‘Ahh, but is that just a driver issue?’

We looked at each other for a while, not quite believing what we’d witnessed – I’m not usually quite that quick (and he knew that), and we could both sense that maybe we’d just ad-libbed one of the best IT anecdotes ever.

But then again, maybe not. What do you think? And do you know any better computer-related jokes? Let us know on the comments thread below.

I just want to set some ground rules though. First, try to keep the jokes clean and not too non-PC. Secondly, just posting ‘Nvidia’s GTS 250’ or ‘the GeForce GT 150’ is not, strictly speaking, a joke. Neither is just posting ‘Joe’s Mum’, as funny as she is.

37 Comments

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liratheal 26th March 2009, 13:45 Quote
Simply put?

No.

Jokes are usually good because they're subject matters that are fairly common. Computing/geeky jokes are understood by, almost exclusively, geeks.

There is IT humour, yes, but not jokes specifically. We can't tell them to just anyone and have everyone understand, and find it funny.

In my opinion anyway.
UrbanMarine 26th March 2009, 13:51 Quote
What's white, a gold digger and has an obession with fruit?
Apple Inc
CardJoe 26th March 2009, 14:10 Quote
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

RUDE JOKE:
What's the similarity between computers and women?
You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.
Summeroff 26th March 2009, 14:12 Quote
A lot of IT jokes can be found in tv series IT Crowd.
Also sometime ago bash.org was good source of IT related jokes.
Xtrafresh 26th March 2009, 14:14 Quote
i found Forrest Gump investing in "some fruit company" quite funny :)

If you want good computer jokes though, go read XKCD. Mostly they are nerd-jokes though, so they might not qualify according to your rules.
proxess 26th March 2009, 14:48 Quote
Like stated before, there is only humor, no jokes. Its all mainly oriented towards already geeks and nerds. Tho I did laugh at CardJoe's joke!
l3w1z 26th March 2009, 16:36 Quote
What does a Mathematician do when he's constipated?

He works it out with a pencil.

Not so computer related, but when I added it as an Easter egg to some software I had to develop for a piece of college coursework it did make for some lulz
landi_uk 26th March 2009, 17:26 Quote
Old one

Blond goes into a store and says to assistant "I need some curtains for my PC".

Shop assistant says "But you don't need curtains for a PC!"

Blond replies, "DUH!!! It has windows"

l3w1z - you owe for a keyboard ;-)
nicae 26th March 2009, 18:26 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by CardJoe
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

heheheh I had to pass that one forward :B

But what's the point with IT jokes if IT folks are too nerdy to have friends with whom they could share jokes? :P
wuyanxu 26th March 2009, 18:42 Quote
Southampton University ECS Zepler UG printers prints each and every header page with a joke....... at home now.... let me find one of them. but it's mostly written by the admins, who are computer scientist to do with programming, so i don't get most of them.

eg.
"heuristics are bug ridden by definition, if they didn't have bugs, they'd be algorithms"

this one's rather smart, it's about technology rather than IT
"a mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese"
CardJoe 26th March 2009, 18:52 Quote
How do you know if a Blondes been using a computer?

There's Tippex on the screen
OR
The Joystick's wet
thehippoz 26th March 2009, 19:11 Quote
you guys wanna hear something really funny.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DQMuJ7Eq9M&fmt=18

XD made this video last month
Xtrafresh 26th March 2009, 19:58 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicae
heheheh I had to pass that one forward :B

But what's the point with IT jokes if IT folks are too nerdy to have friends with whom they could share jokes? :P
surely, that's what the internet is for?

well, that and pr0n :D
Omnituens 26th March 2009, 21:41 Quote
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

Computers don't frown at a 3.5" floppy
notatoad 26th March 2009, 22:32 Quote
Aragon Speed 26th March 2009, 23:07 Quote
This is old, but still as funny as ever.
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-2295128007129035796&ei=hvzLSbmGKcLQ-AbqvpmIDg&q=i+hate+macs&hl=en&client=firefox-a

The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation to generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount". However, in the IT industry because of the heavy investment factor other things that need to be tried (but not limited to) are the following:-

* buy a stronger whip
* change riders
* threaten the horse with termination
* appoint a committee to study the horse
* arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
* lower the standards so dead horses can be included
* appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse
* create a training session to increase the riders load share
* reclassify the horse as 'living impaired'
* change the form so it reads "This horse is not dead"
* hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
* harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency
* donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting its full original cost
* provide additional funding to increase horse's performance
* do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity
* purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster
* declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more cost effective
* form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
* rewrite the performance requirements for horses
* and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a supervisory (management) position


As part of its effort to standardize the user interface and functionality of all Windoze programs, Windoze producer Micromafia has proposed the following guidelines. They will make your development strategy consistent with the development strategy at Micromafia.

1. Start by having your R&D staff search the net and other sources for popular applications until they find one that would look good in a box with the art division's latest logo.

2. The R&D staff must now completely replicate that product, changing the interface slightly and adding no less than 20,000 extra "features," at least 100 of which must really be bugs that they didn't feel like fixing.

3. Do NOT, under any circumstances, test the product. This is a waste of time and money. Ship the first beta that arrives on your desk. In fact, don't bother even getting it on your desk. Just ship every build that comes along. Users like upgrades. Besides, you can charge people for bugfixes cleverly disguised as "service packages". Users love service packages.

4. Hopefully someone's written a user's manual. In fact, it's probably readable by a normal human being. This is unacceptable; perform a find and replace operation on random English words, replacing them with technical terms and acronyms. Users like acronyms; they add mystery to a product. Never tell what an acronym means; this is unprofessional. You may even wish to make up your own acronyms; again, don't tell what they mean. For every sensible sentence, you lose at least three calls to your $200-per-incident tech support line. Users love calling tech support, especially when there are fifty touch tone menus that all lead to the same two people.

5. Prepare for shipping. Have your team of 57 lawyers create a prefabricated license agreement. If you do not have 57 lawyers, hire or fire as necessary so that you do have 57 lawyers. Be sure that the license agreement includes a "by opening the box, you agree to this" statment. Then put it inside the box. Users will perceive this as a joke and laugh. Users love involuntarily binding themselves to legal agreements.

6. Before shipping, invest in shrink wrap. Shrink wrap the manual. Shrink wrap the CD. Shrink wrap each and every floppy disk separately. Shrink wrap the "getting started" card. Shrink wrap the registration card. Shrink wrap the card from your grandmother. Then dump the whole mess in a box and shrink wrap it. Pack several boxes inside a larger brown box with 5,637 non-decomposable foam peanuts (each one shrink wrapped individually, of course). Be sure the foam peanut count is exactly 5,637. Remove or add shrink-wrapped foam peanuts as necessary. Throw in a roll of bubble wrap because of its entertainment value.

7. Ship the product and move your entire R&D and art staff to the $200-per-incident tech support lines.
Fod 27th March 2009, 01:03 Quote
i hear that a lot of programmers confuse halloween with christmas. they say it's because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

terrible, i know. but still. our jokes at uni tended towards to horribly obscure prolog/computational complexity side of things. we were total nerds.
Otto69 27th March 2009, 04:06 Quote
Wow. I just read all of those and didn't even chuckle.
BentAnat 27th March 2009, 07:18 Quote
i LOL'ed at the dead Horse joke and the OCT 31 == DEC 25 one...

i know some extremely geeky ones, but in the spirit of Joe's rules, i shall'nt post them.
l3w1z 27th March 2009, 12:14 Quote
What about this one from Dexters Lab?

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!
smoothie 27th March 2009, 23:46 Quote
I USE THAT DEXTER'S LAB JOKE ALL OF THE TIME!

Awesome.
uncle_fungus 30th March 2009, 15:11 Quote
Here's a bad one from the days of DOS:

Who is "General Failure", and why is he reading "drive A"?
nicae 30th March 2009, 15:56 Quote
hehehe
I was never good at giving good commands or file names in DOS :(
knuck 30th March 2009, 16:35 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by CardJoe
How do you know if a Blondes been using a computer?
The Joystick's wet

hahaha

oh man, this is so wrong !
Yemerich 31st March 2009, 15:32 Quote
I hate blonde jokes.. I think they are as racist as black people jokes
nicae 31st March 2009, 15:59 Quote
Unless it's a "loira" telling the joke (:
Mister_X 1st April 2009, 16:49 Quote
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
badders 1st April 2009, 17:05 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister_X
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

This is AWESOME. Must tell my friends. And then spend 10 minutes explaining it to them.
Xtreme_Machine 1st April 2009, 20:25 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by badders
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister_X
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

This is AWESOME. Must tell my friends. And then spend 10 minutes explaining it to them.

Your comment actualy made me laugh harder then the joke :P Haha
Bluefan 5th April 2009, 22:46 Quote
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't, it's a hardware problem.
Ending Credits 5th April 2009, 23:12 Quote
Not computer ones but science ones.

From one atom to another:
"I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman serves him gladly. After he's drunk his pint he asks for his tab to which the barman says; "For you sir, no charge!"
Krikkit 5th April 2009, 23:43 Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister_X
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

:) Awesome.

I love geeky jokes, we use them all the time at uni, although I can't remember any now I'm trying to think... :(
Ending Credits 6th April 2009, 10:50 Quote
TBH the only reason they're that funny is because they're in-jokes. I love them too though.
adam197 6th April 2009, 11:25 Quote
My favourite one atm:

Knock knock

Who's there?

(long pause)

Java



...Im sorry :(
craigey1 6th April 2009, 21:37 Quote
Personally I love the following comic strip...
http://www.envisionsolutions.biz/public/Requirements.jpg
scrimple3D 29th April 2009, 22:42 Quote
I always liked.....

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
schlappeseppel 27th October 2009, 20:42 Quote
Funny, but it was reality :|:
Bill Gates vision
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